she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
