you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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