Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
