It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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