I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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