i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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