Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
