how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
