I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
