Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Plan B is the new Plan A
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
