I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
