I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
