So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
