Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
