the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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