every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
