I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
