Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
