this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
