She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
