either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
