I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
