Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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