Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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