birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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