We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
