Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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