I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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