your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
if you like me you must not know who I am
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It was confusing and full of hummus
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
