you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
