So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
