my phone needs a breathalizer
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
