he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
