i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
