i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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