i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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