he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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