margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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