So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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