Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
