Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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