Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
