My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
