I think I died a long time ago.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
