Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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