then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
