I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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