you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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