I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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