she woke up with a sticky ear
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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